Sinking

Warning:

The following is raw, uninspiring, and perhaps a bit vulnerable for me. Read at your own risk.


Today I feel like Sarah. As in the wife of Abraham. As in the woman who laughed at the visitors who stopped by and said that she and Abraham would be parents by that time next year.

I used to think that Sarah just didn't have enough faith, and I looked down upon her for it. Maybe she didn't, but I think I understand her better. Today, it seems to me Sarah's laugh was a bitter laugh. Perhaps if she had lived today, she would have laughed and said, "yeah, right."

Several years ago, while in our charismatic CLB, my husband and I received a prophetic word that our finances would steadily go up. Good news, I'd say. Except for each of the 8 years since, quite the opposite has happened. We keep going down, down, down. We've changed course in our lives several times since then, at what we believe was God's leading. Each course change resulted in negative financial growth. Each time. Without fail.

This is getting old. Actually, it's been old for a long time. For me, this financial pressure is suffocating. When I visualize it in my head, I relate it to being afloat in a vast ocean. The ocean is constantly threatening to drown you. Having enough finances is like being on a big boat or being on land. You can either skim through financial troubles with barely getting wet or avoid them altogether. We used to have a little boat. Just the right size. But, we've been downsizing for the last several years. We don't even have much of a boat anymore. Just a little inflatable raft. With holes. There's no land in sight, and we're taking on water.

We've been getting rid of unnecessary luxuries for a while now - just tossing them overboard to help lighten the load. No, kids, we can't go to McDonalds today. I'm sorry. Maybe next month.

Sometimes we get a boost. It helps for a while, but then storms inevitably roll in - car repairs, doctor visits, unexpected bills, emergencies, whatever. Then the water is threatening to swallow us whole again.

I used to paddle. I used to think I saw land. But they were all mirages. I don't paddle anymore. It uses too much energy. We're just in the middle of an ocean. Trying not to sink. Trying not to move too much and upset our fragile balance. There's nothing I can do to change the situation. Believe me, I've looked. Now I just lay there and hope that a wind will blow us somewhere else. There's no wind today.

We believe that God opened the door for us to buy a business recently - fulfilling a dream. It really is a dream, full of potential and life. But I'm a number cruncher. I've been crunching the numbers, and it doesn't look good at the moment. Our parents ask us constantly if the business is making it. What are we supposed to say? The truth? No, it's not right now. Not even close. We're going backwards, again. Same song, 10th verse. And how was your day?

I think I understand why desperate people do stupid things like steal, lie, and cheat when under financial pressure. Being desperate isn't fun. As I was at our business by myself today - a slow day - I remembered that prophetic word about finances. And I laughed. Bitterly. Other parts of that word have been accurate - even the highly specific and time-sensitive ones. Except that part.

I know that we still have more than so many people in the world. My heart breaks when I think of the many parents who cannot find any help for their sick, hungry children. I have access to government assistance. They do not. I want to help them, clothe them, take them in. But I cannot. That just takes my breath away.

I suppose that I'm just whiny and complaining today. I know that a long-awaited child and stress-free financial living are not the same thing. Perhaps God really didn't say what I thought He said. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe He meant something else. Maybe I'm just delusional.

I'm not trying to garner sympathy or dollars. I'm just venting, I guess. Honey, if you're reading this, I still love Jesus, and I'm OK.

I welcome any thoughts that you out there in the blogosphere have - about how you are getting/did get through something like this. Maybe it's not something to get through at all. Maybe it's just to be endured. Please don't tell me to have more faith, though. I don't know how to have more of something I just barely have. And don't tell me that Satan is stealing from me either. If he is, I don't have the strength to fight him off. I don't even have a mustard seed-sized level of faith that this will turn around. I'm just exhausted. Plain and simple.

And how was your day?

Parental Guidance Suggested

My oldest daughter (almost 7) is a voracious reader. She tells me often how much she loves to read. She has a kids Bible and has read through it a few times. She really loves reading.

So, when we were at the store the other day, she asked me if we could buy a book. It was a book with stories of the Bible for kids. Here's a sweet little girl who loves to read, and she wants to read Bible stories. What's the harm in that?

There were two different collections of stories. I scanned the stories on the first book and noticed Cain and Abel and Noah's Ark. Hmmm, maybe not the best choice. I've noticed that her Bible is relatively free of murder and violence, but how do you dress up Cain and Abel? I wasn't sure how the book in the store would present Noah's Ark, but I decided to see what collections the other book had.

Ah, this one was better. It had stories about Daniel and the Lions' Den and Solomon's Wisdom among some others. Those sounded OK.

So I bought the book and watched her happily trot off to her bedroom to read by herself when we got home.

That's where I erred.

Several minutes later she came out crying and very upset. I asked her what was wrong. She took me back into her room and showed me her new book. It appears that Solomon's Wisdom is about the two mothers who each claim that a baby is her own and Solomon's wisdom of proclaiming that the baby should be split down the middle to determine who the rightful mother is. Great. Didn't he have any other wisdom that would be appropriate for a 7 year old?

Thus ensued several minutes of comforting my daughter and explaining that Solomon didn't intend to kill the baby; he just wanted to find out the identity of the real mother. He knew that the real mother would never want her baby to be hurt. That offered a little comfort until she asked why the first baby had died to begin with.

I said that some babies died because they didn't have good medicine or doctors or ways to keep them safe (though I know that the mother in this story accidentally smothered hers). She said she didn't want babies to die. I told her that that's why we help people so they can have medicine, doctors, and safe places to be. Then she said, "But mama, there are so many. I can't help them all!"

She has such a sweet, tender heart. How do I teach her about God and help her develop a relationship with Him when Solomon's Wisdom scares her? How do I talk to her about Cain and Abel, all of the babies that Pharaoh had killed, how Samson died, and Noah's Ark (after seeing what he'd seen and knowing what he knew, could that be why he got drunk?)? And the WHOLE story of David and Goliath? Most kids' Bibles leave out the head chopping off part. We celebrate David's victory in a Veggie Tales fashion but wouldn't want our children settling disputes the way it really happened.

So how do I do this? How do I help her 7-year old mind process all of this and put her trust in Jesus? I can't even get my head around all of it. Do we read the Bible to our kids with age-appropriate editing and make G-rated versions of it? Sometimes that doesn't seem right, but what child can really process Deuteronomy 7:2? She's still working through Solomon's Wisdom and wonders why God lets babies die. I said that I didn't know but that I do know that He promised He would always be with us, no matter what happens.

That really is all that I know. This situation has provided opportunity for some good discussions, which is good because I want to keep the dialogue ongoing with my kids. But I would really be interested in what your thoughts are and how you handle the Bible, the Old Testament in particular.

New Territory

Something has happened which never would have happened a few years ago.

My kids went next door to play with our 5-year old neighbor.

Our neighbors have only been here a couple of weeks. I don't really know them all that well. I don't even know if they are believers or not. All I do know is that they are home on Sunday mornings. I've met the parents and had their son over at my house almost every day for a week. Believe me, this is new for me.

What's so amazing about this? I'm quite certain that we would be writing a different family story if we were still so heavily involved in institutional church as we used to be. First of all, if we were still involved in IC, we would hardly be home. What, with staff meetings, worship practices, prayer meetings, weekend seminars, conferences, retreats, VBS, and the regular Sunday meeting, we wouldn't really be home at all to meet our new neighbors anyway.

Honey, there are people living next door to us? Really? Huh, I had no idea. I always wondered who mowed their lawn.

We would be too busy sacrificially giving our time, energy, finances, gifts, and love to the Great IC to meet our neighbors or even be interested in their lives. When we were home, our curtains would be closed and every minute would be used for praying (ie: pretending we're not home) or visiting with our believing friends. Who has time for anything else?

But now, we're in new territory as a family. Our time, energy, finances, gifts, and love are available for those around us like they never were before. It's exciting and a bit scary at the same time. Before, I would have already known the kids that my kids were playing with. Now, I have to actually get to know a family outside the four walls of a church building. That's a bit of a stretch for an introverted, coming-out-of-the-church-bubble, paranoid mama such as myself.

But this has been good. I've realized that there are some normal people outside of the four walls of church. That's something I wasn't taught in the Great IC. They're kids are normal, too. Again, revelation.

My husband and I have been married nearly 9 years and have lived in 6 different cities and 3 different states, and yet this is the first set of neighbors that we've actually started to get to know. It sounds lame, but this is new to us. I don't know what kind of relationship will develop between us and our neighbors, but for the first time, I'm ready to find out.

Femininity Without High Heels

I caught one of those fashion makeover shows the other night. The hosts were working with a woman and her fashion sense (or perceived lack thereof) and helping her make wardrobe choices that were less tomboy and more feminine in nature. So, in the context of this show, being more feminine meant moving away from printed T-shirts toward clothing that accentuated curves. Away from flip flops toward high heels. Away from pony tails toward salon-styled haircuts. Away from lip balm toward eyeliner and lipstick. Within that context, the hosts achieved their goal of femininity by the end of the show.

That got me to thinking about how I define femininity. In the past I've somehow associated femininity with gemstones, lace, ruffles, makeup, and words like lithe, graceful, flowing, and stylish. And don't forget flowers. Clothes with floral prints on them are for women. But don't say that in Hawaii or a burly Hawaiian man proudly wearing a shirt with plumerias and hibiscuses on it will take exception to that notion.

Most times I don't feel very feminine, at least how I've defined it. I like T-shirts and hate high heels. Don't even own a pair. I don't like lace and despise doilies. I have some pretty clothes, I guess, but don't necessarily feel more feminine when I wear them. Maybe it's because I forgot to smear on some lipstick and spray on perfume? Or maybe it's because I use the word "smear" in reference to lipstick? I've been known to have some nice bottles of perfume go bad because I kept forgetting to use them and have had the same compact of eye shadow for over five years. Lithe and graceful aren't words that I would use to describe myself either. I don't know how to dance and have all of the grace and confidence of C-3PO at wedding dances. Grace Kelly I'm not, though I secretly wish I were at times.

Why? Because I do want to be feminine and think I don't measure up very well. But maybe I've looked at femininity in the wrong way. What if femininity (and masculinity for that matter) is not defined by how you dress or decorate or move? What if femininity is deeper than that? Much, much deeper?

What if femininity is rooted in how God made women? What if femininity is the lens through which women view the world? What if I'm already feminine? Then high heels and bright red lipstick won't make one any more feminine than a cowboy hat and spurs make one a cowboy. Perhaps the unique ways women think, relate, and love make us feminine. Of course this femininity can be expressed differently from woman to woman because though we're female, we're still not all the same.

What if I can develop confidence in and express my innate femininity by knowing Christ, loving Him, and letting Him continue working in me? Femininity won't be something I have to conjure up but rather is something I am as a female image bearer of God. Women can have their doilies and lipstick if they want and be feminine. I can wear high heels if I want or chuck them and these image-conscious, superficial, and stereotypical fashion shows and their definition of femininity out the window and still be feminine.

That's actually a freeing thought and one I want to think about more.

In Case You've Ever Wondered...

...just what do 4-year olds learn in pre-school?

My daughter's school had an end-of-the-year program the other night. The kids sang songs, danced (as only 4-year olds can), and said some memory verses. Really cute. But, I think what I overheard my daughter saying while she was playing yesterday really sums up her year well:

"I pledge allegiance to show and tell,
in America,
to republic of Christians,
for God,
be careful so you don't get invisible,
with liberty and justice for Jesus!"

Interesting Discussion

As I struggle with frustration at the actions and words of those who publicly and loudly voice their Christian beliefs, which seem to be anything but that, I really appreciate both this post about Jesus-shaped spirituality and the following discussion happening over at Michael Spencer's blog. He plans on writing more posts about this topic. I look forward to reading them.

LOL!

The following was in my inbox the other day. I think that I've heard of some of these before, and I don't know if they're true. But just in case you need a good laugh today:


They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).-----------------------------------

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

7. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

21. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

23. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

24. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

25. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".


Beware of spellchecker and grammar rules! I just thought that these were hilarious whether they're true or not. The last one is my favorite.