Prayer is something that I really don’t understand. I’ve been taught that it is many things such as telling God your requests, interceding for someone or a situation, declaring that something would be or wouldn’t be, releasing angels, casting out demons, proclaiming healing, begging God for revival, and speaking in tongues. I can't even remember how many times I've been told that prayer is for warriors.
Prayer has also been presented in such a way that we can MAKE it work – by fasting, interceding for hours, coming faithfully to weekly prayer nights, using anointing oil, working up more faith, or whatever. If we pushed the right buttons, God would be obligated to perform. Prayer was presented as a way to get things done.
I honestly don’t know what I think about all of that anymore. I’m still in a redefinition stage, so most of what I’ve been taught is up for examination. I’m at the point of rejecting the notion that I can make prayer work. That just seems to reduce my relationship with God to a transactional one, devoid of intimacy and mystery. It’s draining to try to make prayer work anyway, and it seems that I’m focusing on myself and what I’m not doing right instead of focusing on Jesus.
In thinking about how I pray, I noticed that I seem to have two distinct ways of praying – one for group prayer and one for when I’m alone.
When I’m praying with a group of people, for some reason, I’m more formal with God. I usually call Him God or Father God. I’m concise and to the point. I spend a lot of the time trying to think of something that someone else hasn’t prayed yet. Listening to God is for listening for the next prayer point or the vision for some ministry.
In my experience, group prayer is usually about someone else or a certain situation, so I’m not very vulnerable and don’t risk much about myself. I always end my prayer with an “Amen” so that others know that I’m finished. Group prayer is “out loud” prayer with heads bowed and eyes closed. I don’t think this is the way it’s supposed to be, but this has been my experience.
My prayers when I’m alone take on a completely different flavor. I usually pray inside my head. I’m more likely to say Father, Jesus, Lord – or nothing at all since He already knows I’m talking to Him. I’m random, long-winded, and run down numerous rabbit trails. He hears my deepest emotions, fears, and dreams. I listen, and He talks to me. Sometimes He initiates; sometimes I initiate. We can start and stop a conversation several times throughout the day, week, or month.
I sometimes visualize myself either dumping out bits and pieces of my life at His feet and asking Him to make sense of it all or being hopelessly stuck in a quagmire and asking Him for help. Other times, I see myself dancing around, almost overwhelmed by His presence, or nestled safely in His lap. When I can’t shut my mind off at night and fears start swirling around in my head, the best way for me to relax and go to sleep is to begin talking to Him about other people and asking Him to bless them, help them, encourage them, heal them, etc. There’s nothing formal or warrior-like about those prayers, and they’re quite simple.
I don’t think I ever end any of these prayers with an “Amen” either.
Monday, August 27, 2007
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10 comments:
Thanks for sharing Mary. I too have a different way of praying when I am in a group - like how you wrote, much more formal. I like simple prayers, I think God does too.
thanks Mary! I love the way you can describe your personal prayers in a dozen different ways. that's how real relationships are, isn't it?
Prayer has been a lot of the things you described to me in the past, too. The one thing that really got me was the "demand" prayers that makes it seem like God is a puppet on a string.
But I love this:
"I sometimes visualize myself either dumping out bits and pieces of my life at His feet and asking Him to make sense of it all"
I see myself as a giant puzzle with thousands of pieces and God is the guy who has been putting them together, especially since I left church. He started with the edges (the support structure of my beliefs, the things that HAD to be) and now he's been filling in the colorful but confusing parts.
Thanks for posting Mary.
It is hard for me not to be judgmental about how differently people worship or pray in a group setting than what I imagine them doing in private (based on my own experience). I can't imagine people being all warrior like when they are alone with God. I can't imagine people moaning and wailing as much as they might in a group setting. I can't imagine people falling down or laughing hysterically. So, I must admit the public/private dichotomy puzzles me a bit. I wish I didn't struggle with it, but I do. And, I am sure that some people do have some private moments where they weep, wail, fall, laugh, etc. I just don't imagine them happening as often as they do when people are in group settings.
Prayer is incredibly perplexing, and you describe the confusing parts of it well, but if nothing else it puts us in the very real place of being utterly dependent on God. I still love what I read in Bill Hybels book about being Too Busy Not to Pray... "Jesus lived the most Dynamic life because He lived the most Dependent life."
"I’m more likely to say Father, Jesus, Lord – or nothing at all since He already knows I’m talking to Him."
I loved this! made me grin.
I don't say amen either ... too final, like we hung up the phone or something. and since the conversation is ongoing, why end it, right?
Thanks for sharing!
Lyn,
I'm glad that God likes simple prayers. I'm trying to express my prayers more simply in groups, but it's a challenge. I find myself falling back into my old habits.
Cindy,
The truth of the matter is that I had a more real relationship with God before I was hired by my church and learned how to be more "professional." Now that I'm not on staff anymore, I'm finding that real relationship again.
Erin,
I think God has had to move a lot of my puzzle pieces that weren't the right ones or were in the wrong places. So, my vision of what my puzzle would look like has been discarded in favor of God's vision. It's a hard process, but it's a good one.
Bryan,
Welcome back! Group prayer puzzles me, too. Now that I'm on the outside looking in (I used to be a part of all the things that puzzle me now), I see things so differently - especially with prayer. But I agree that we are put into the place of being utterly dependent on God.
Cynthia,
Exactly! If I believe that He's always with me, why would say goodbye at the end of a prayer?
I really like how you wrote about the two prayer types, in a group and alone, sounds so much like me!
It's good to feel like I'm not alone.
At times I think I'm changing only to find myself wrestling with the perfect words while praying with a friend or small group.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
Rhonda,
You are definitely not alone! It's good to know that I'm not alone either! :^)
I do everything I can to NOT pray in a group or out loud these days. I love the freedom of always knowing God is there and we are communicating without having to have an "intro" or "conclusion :) As an introvert who always struggles to put the complexity of my thoughts and feelings into words, and then hates that I often end up being misunderstood after all the effort, it's good to know that with God He understands even when I can't put words to it.
Still, I struggle with different aspects of prayer and have posted a few times about that struggle. It is good to hear other people's take on the topic as well.
eclexia,
Thanks for stoppying by! I can relate to what you said. I often can't wait until group prayer is finished - and then sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way. I, too, love the freedom of instant communication with God.
As an introvert, it's a good thing that I don't have to communicate with God out loud. I don't think I'd make much sense. ;^)
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